Never really cared and always went with the flow,not really looking for anything…always letting whatever happens happen. But,honestly….all I want is to be with a guy who just likes me for me,has an open mind,and similar values. Someone who not only listens to the same music as me,but can show me new music. Well shit, we don’t even have to really have the same music taste. It’d be nice to go to shows together,get boba,watch movies,play video games,and just be there for one another when times are shit and when we completely feel alone. Honestly,I’ve dated guys,but never had a real relationship with a label. Maybe its because it never was a priority of mine,but turning 18 with never having even been on date let alone have a real boyfriend makes me feel pretty pathetic. I don’t know,I just like to meet someone nice,I mean genuinely nice. I haven’t met someone like that in a really long time. Never had real luck either,every time I did date a guy….I was always screwed over,I was the one left hurt. I know have trust issues to work through,but I’m finally at that point where I’m willing to open up to someone. I mean really…maybe there’s something wrong with me. I feel like I’m on the endangered species list on the verge of being extinct.
I intern at a hospital on the oncology floor. I work with patients that are in hospice care. Basically, I work with patients who know their time is limited, they’re suffering from cancer, HIV/AIDS, and other life threatening diseases. This man is turning 90 in October,he said I made his day, and he made mine. It was literally one of the best days of my life. He is literally one of the nicest people I’ve met and the nicest patient I happily tended to. These were just a few of the many nice words he said to me,that just stuck to me. It’s people like him that honestly make me believe that not everyone suck as much as I thought. Personally, I experience highs and lows with my emotions. I either feel nothing at all or I feel everything at once. I’ve been going through so much and I was experiencing one of the lowest of the lows ever. Bad thoughts were resurfacing and I was going to sleep every night with negative thoughts on my mind. In a matter of minutes, he changed all of that. He doesn’t even know all the good that he has done. I’m a religious person, to an extent, but I believe that this man was a blessing in disguise. He helped save me. Today, I was completely sluggish and hoping that it was not a busy day so I didn’t have to do any work. This man completely turned my mood around. I don’t even know this man,I’ve only met him once and he changed my life. The sad part of all of this was that I didn’t even ask for his name, I wasn’t thinking and in a rush. He didn’t need much after leaving his room, all he needed was his glasses,today’s newspaper,and a cup of water on his bedside table. He did want one more thing and I regret not being able to help. He said he’d like to play bridge and just talk if we had time. I had to leave, but when I go back to the hospital next week, I hope I’ll be able to at least get his information and thank him. I want to see him again, but not in the hospital. I want him to be healthy,I want him to live. I knew I’d have to face this problem, getting attached to patients, knowing they have to leave, but I want them to know that they helped change my life. Its people like him that give me a purpose, I feel like I’m doing something right.I feel less of a screw up, I feel worthy of at least someone, and I can actually make it.
It was the first time I put myself out there. It was my first time taking the initiative and confessing my feelings first. It was the first time that I’ve ever been rejected. I’m a senior in high school and I knew I had to go through this experience sooner or later. It’s not as bad as I anticipated and I’m handling it very well. It still stings, but not enough to get me down. I don’t know, maybe it hasn’t hit me yet, or maybe the weight my chest has really lifted. Now,I can move on without the stress of the unknown. I’m okay, I didn’t ruin my friendship, and I’m still willing to open up to someone new.
Timing is everything and it’s never been right between us.Maybe now’s our chance, but then again….maybe it’s not meant to be.
I want to open up,I really do,but I’m just not ready. My trust issues will seriously be the death of me.
That wave of depression just hit me and all I’m trying to do is breathe with all these emotions unleashed. I just need to get a hold of myself and the world around me while I’m having a mental break down.
I cannot believe that after 1 year,I still have thoughts about you and about what could have been us.
Not only does everything drastically change for you,but everything that you once knew and felt before is no longer the same. One of the best feelings in the world is being able to experience the holidays with complete and utter happiness when you’re a child. Now that time has passed by and continues to do so,all thoses feelings begin to change. It’s the one of the few things that I didn’t want to change.
I thought that if I tried to not care and ignore my feelings,it wouldn’t hurt as much….now it just makes it even more harder to endure.
It just sucks when I’m doing all I can do to be successful in life and the people I’m also doing it for is not supportive at all. I’m doing what I can to make sure I get the best education for me and not settle for anything less,but it makes me feel horrible when the people I’m also doing this for are second guessing my every move and want me to take the easy way out.